I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
