i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
