I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
