mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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