I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
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I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
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How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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