I just threw up on my dentist
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
