Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
