If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
