She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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