i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
