im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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