I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
