Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
