1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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