I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
