I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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