I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
