if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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