If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
