Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
