i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
