he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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