WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
