Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
