Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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