this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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