her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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