I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
