Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You pole danced in your parka.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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