god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
