one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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