Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Enjoy the penises
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
