I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
