I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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