dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
