Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
