Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
