That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
birth control should be required to get into college
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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