dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
