I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
