My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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