I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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