I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
