Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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