I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
