U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
