I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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