I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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