sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
