i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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