i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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