my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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