If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
