if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
not ubering you a puppy
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
