ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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